Many of watchers may know that I have been seeing a very wonderful man these last couple of months. We have gotten pretty serious. We talk of marriage, and children and not to mention the sex keeps getting better. We've been making lots of memories together, like a few weeks ago he gave me my first shooting lesson (We love our guns in Nevada). I am not writing this journal entry to rant and rave about my wonderful boyfriend (or maybe I am? You decide) but rather to give a little bit of advice for anyone who is feeling sad, blue, and depressed. I experienced easily the worst day in history just this week. Granted it has a happy ending, I'm not quite sure anything will be same anymore.
My boyfriend called me while in the car just 2 days ago. It was early for me but that didn't matter I picked up the phone all the same. He was upset, he had to close his checking account because his funds that he spent a lot of time saving were just not there anymore, he needed to close the account before the bank started charging him fees. To put this into perspective, He moved to Nevada with nearly ten grand in the bank a few years ago. He recently became unemployed (about a year or so ago), and hasn't had any luck finding a new job. He has less than 2 thousand left in the bank now. The economy has not been kind to him. Any one would be upset to know their hard earned money is nearly gone, not to mention is dad died a few months ago. He's obviously having a rough year.
I did my best to console him over the phone. We both knew the money was going to run out, which is the main reason we live separately and what not. I tried to keep things light with him, and stay optimistic. He seemed okay after a few minutes, we both agreed to talk later since we both needed to get homework done (damn college!) that day. When we hung up, I decided to sneak in a bit more of nap. I was woken with a text message saying that he "knows what needs to be done." I panicked I knew he was talking about ending his own life. I called him immediately and thank goodness I did. I talked to him a few minutes before him mom took over (he is basically her caretaker) , who begged me to come over. His mom never talks me and really dislikes me, I knew this had to be really bad. I gave my boyfriend the task of coming to pick me up, I knew this would buy us both time. I was out of the house without even shaving my legs or brushing my hair.
While in the car, I seriously could not get through to him. I was dissolved into tears . You truly never know how much you care for someone until something awful happens. I felt like I had already lost him, he was just so cold. Let me tell you, that is the absolute worst feeling in the world. I felt hopeless, I knew that if I didn't get through to him, I was going to lose my bestfriend/ boyfriend/ lover forever. It's so hard to listen to and watch someone you love become so distant, so emotionless, and talk about the things they want you to have once they are gone.
I don't know what happened but something I said or did must have really gotten to him because he broke down crying too. In between sobs, he apologized and promised that he wasn't going leave me. We calmed down and exchanged smiles, kisses, and hugs once we had gotten to his place (mind you were pulled over off the the high way for quite a while). We got to his place and chatted to his mom and cleaned up the house. I don't think I will ever forget his shotgun sitting on the table with ammo strewn about. He really was going to kill himself. We ended the day after watching a few funny movies, and having our own little pizza party.
To this moment, I am still worried about him. I wish I didn't have to come home, I wish I could stay a few days, take care of him, and make sure he is doing okay. Unfortunately, between my own school work, and family I couldn't have stayed anymore than I did. We had promised each other from the very beginning school first. I really damned if I stayed, and I damned if I didn't. He was in quite the good spirits when I had left him, but that whole experience scared the crap out of me. It really makes me examine my priorities, and what I am doing with my life. To everyone out there who is scared, and alone and wanting to end their life, I promise you that someone cares about you. You're not alone and please don't be afraid to ask for help. You're not a burden and someone would be absolutely devastated if you were suddenly gone. And to everyone else: tell the people in your life just how much they mean to you.You might just save a life.
I got incredibly lucky that I was able to help my him. I believe I even saved his life. It's definitely nothing I want to experience again.